So for the last two weeks I’ve been dealing with a breast cancer scare which luckily turned out not to be the big C. I have a lump and I’m still waiting on biopsy numbers 2 through 4 to tell us exactly what it is. But biopsy number 1 came out free of cancer cells so that is at least off the table.
I have to say, I took the possible diagnosis suspiciously well, despite the fact that the Devices family was so obviously devastated. But when I received the call to say it wasn’t cancer, I found myself wandering around Target quietly crying. I never cry. I realized that while I thought I had cancer, I felt like I had an excuse for the vaguely shitty way I always seem to feel, and I’d feel a lot worse for a year or so, but then I’d feel better. And if I died oh well.
Remember when you had a fever and your mom let you stay home from school? And despite the fever you felt a sense of elation that for the next however many hours nothing would be expected of you? That’s how I felt when I thought I had it.
I had been joking so much with the biopsy number 1 doctor that she thought I was just super sure I didn’t have it. But the ultrasound doctor had as much as said it had to be cancer. So when she called to say it wasn’t and my answers were all mono-syllabic mumbles she finally exclaimed, “This is great news!” And I was like, “Oh yeah. Yeah.”
One thing I enjoyed, for example, was Mr. Devices’ conviction that I was unbelievably strong and had such a great attitude. That made me laugh because in fact I’m just unbelievably nihilistic and function much better in a crisis than in regular daily life. Tell me I have cancer I’m like, “Cool.” Tell me I have to brush and floss every day for the rest of my life and I go fetal.
Well, I’m much better now. Part of it all was that having to wake up before my usual 1pm for all the various appointments had me sleep deprived and nothing gets me suicidal faster than lack of sleep oh my god. Babies who cry when they’re sleepy? Like, I’ve done that. As an adult. Multiple times. (Back before I was medicated- now I never cry, see above.)
And I’ve been getting back into the studio a bit which is essential for my psychological wellbeing. Making is one accomplishment I can claim.
God this all sounds so awful, re-reading it. Like, I’m fine I don’t need any particular sympathy. I’m just always kind of fine and kind of awful and kind of great all mixed up together. We all are.
And if anyone comments telling me about some herbs I should try or about keeping a positive attitude I swear to god I’m gonna… OK, I’m too lazy to really do anything but I’ll aim so much virtual bile and vitriol your way.
Mr. Devices’ jiu jitsu teacher (who is 99% an amazing awesome guy) already has him buying distilled water, switching it to glass containers then setting it in the sun to absorb good energy. Fuck’s sake.
While I've spent 90% of my time laying around with my ipad, I'm looking at this post and there's a lot of stuff here. I guess I'm super efficient with my productive 10%.
Look at this souvenir penny pressed in 1935. It's from inheritance haul.
I made a lot of earrings with kuchi charms. (Stop autocorrecting kuchi to cute! Stupid computer. We already know they're cute.)
They serve as a great background for something sweet and a bit sparkly.
Teapotsandtelephones gave me these bone drops with inlay, and I made the polybeads with shipwreckdandy. Who by the way has been doing some really cool experiments with liquid polymer clay beads you can see in her supply shop.
Speaking of which. The way she does stuff has given me a lot of bravery in my own poly. Specifically pricing. And not sweating things not selling. Although I did just go through and cut down prices on a bunch of necklaces that've been sitting in the shop a while.
Oh and I fixed this guy. Not bad. It's re-enforced with thick steel wire within. I'm thinking if I get some screen mesh I can get the re-enforcement without the bulk.
Now look at these ridiculous horses. They're bred to walk like that.
Here's some random stuff I see on tumblr and then text to my mom and hubs.
Today the theme is horses.
I just happened to have horse gifs.
That reminds me, have you heard of Frederick the Great, that everyone's saying is the world's sexiest horse?
Oh yeah. Because the internet.
I'll leave you with that thought, and you're welcome.