So for the last two weeks I’ve been dealing with a breast cancer scare which luckily turned out not to be the big C. I have a lump and I’m still waiting on biopsy numbers 2 through 4 to tell us exactly what it is. But biopsy number 1 came out free of cancer cells so that is at least off the table.
I have to say, I took the possible diagnosis suspiciously well, despite the fact that the Devices family was so obviously devastated. But when I received the call to say it wasn’t cancer, I found myself wandering around Target quietly crying. I never cry. I realized that while I thought I had cancer, I felt like I had an excuse for the vaguely shitty way I always seem to feel, and I’d feel a lot worse for a year or so, but then I’d feel better. And if I died oh well.
Remember when you had a fever and your mom let you stay home from school? And despite the fever you felt a sense of elation that for the next however many hours nothing would be expected of you? That’s how I felt when I thought I had it.
I had been joking so much with the biopsy number 1 doctor that she thought I was just super sure I didn’t have it. But the ultrasound doctor had as much as said it had to be cancer. So when she called to say it wasn’t and my answers were all mono-syllabic mumbles she finally exclaimed, “This is great news!” And I was like, “Oh yeah. Yeah.”
One thing I enjoyed, for example, was Mr. Devices’ conviction that I was unbelievably strong and had such a great attitude. That made me laugh because in fact I’m just unbelievably nihilistic and function much better in a crisis than in regular daily life. Tell me I have cancer I’m like, “Cool.” Tell me I have to brush and floss every day for the rest of my life and I go fetal.
Well, I’m much better now. Part of it all was that having to wake up before my usual 1pm for all the various appointments had me sleep deprived and nothing gets me suicidal faster than lack of sleep oh my god. Babies who cry when they’re sleepy? Like, I’ve done that. As an adult. Multiple times. (Back before I was medicated- now I never cry, see above.)
And I’ve been getting back into the studio a bit which is essential for my psychological wellbeing. Making is one accomplishment I can claim.
God this all sounds so awful, re-reading it. Like, I’m fine I don’t need any particular sympathy. I’m just always kind of fine and kind of awful and kind of great all mixed up together. We all are.
And if anyone comments telling me about some herbs I should try or about keeping a positive attitude I swear to god I’m gonna… OK, I’m too lazy to really do anything but I’ll aim so much virtual bile and vitriol your way. 
Mr. Devices’ jiu jitsu teacher (who is 99% an amazing awesome guy) already has him buying distilled water, switching it to glass containers then setting it in the sun to absorb good energy. Fuck’s sake.
While I've spent 90% of my time laying around with my ipad, I'm looking at this post and there's a lot of stuff here. I guess I'm super efficient with my productive 10%.
Look at this souvenir penny pressed in 1935. It's from inheritance haul.
I made a lot of earrings with kuchi charms. (Stop autocorrecting kuchi to cute! Stupid computer. We already know they're cute.)
They serve as a great background for something sweet and a bit sparkly.
Teapotsandtelephones gave me these bone drops with inlay, and I made the polybeads with shipwreckdandy. Who by the way has been doing some really cool experiments with liquid polymer clay beads you can see in her supply shop.
Speaking of which. The way she does stuff has given me a lot of bravery in my own poly. Specifically pricing. And not sweating things not selling. Although I did just go through and cut down prices on a bunch of necklaces that've been sitting in the shop a while.
Oh and I fixed this guy. Not bad. It's re-enforced with thick steel wire within. I'm thinking if I get some screen mesh I can get the re-enforcement without the bulk.
Now look at these ridiculous horses. They're bred to walk like that.
Here's some random stuff I see on tumblr and then text to my mom and hubs.
Today the theme is horses.
I just happened to have horse gifs.
That reminds me, have you heard of Frederick the Great, that everyone's saying is the world's sexiest horse?
Oh yeah. Because the internet.
I'll leave you with that thought, and you're welcome.
10 comments:
It's always exciting to click on your site and see a new post. This time, though, in between the beautiful pictures, you told us of some very unsettling and scary news. I appreciate how generous you are in sharing your creative process, but also in how open you are about the realities of personal day-to-day ups and downs. Today's entry is (inadvertently?) a reminder that life can change in a moment, but it's the joy of creating that can be a life raft as we push through. Thanks for being so real.
I had the same scare about a year ago, which turned out to be benign cysts. I had already fastforwarded in my mind to how fun it would be to wear wigs for awhile, though... so I totally see your perspective.
Those walking horses look like they have to go to the bathroom really badly. I am putting them on my Pinterest animated GIF board because they make me laugh.
They should call it the Horse Walk rather than the Cat.
Btw, I'm so glad you're fine! <3 Great work as always!
Love you and your work and the blog....please take care of yourself!!!!
Sorry about your boob scare, I went through that last Summer. It was weird and scary and I didn't know how to feel about it at all so I waited months and months to go see what it was. Mine turned out to be a lump that comes and goes depending on how screwed up my hormones are at the time. I hope yours goes and doesn't come back. Giggle, they have me on herbs. Boob herbs.
You were talking about backpainting and it reminded me of something my Mom used to do when she was painting ceramics. She would water black paint down pretty good and do a wash over her finished work. It would run down into the low spots and cracks and perfectly shade the piece without her having to really do much of anything at all. Maybe a shortcut?
...and by the way, I'm not that other 'anonymous'. You guys know the one I mean.
i'm glad you don't have a tumour. that's always a good thing!
i know exactly what you mean with the relief of knowing something is wrong with you though.
i few years ago i found out i'd been suffering from some illnesses likely since i was a toddler and my reaction was 'that's great!now what?" my doc was so confused because most people freaked out finding that out. and i felt more 'this explains so much suddenly.'
i adore your work and have been lurking here for years. i'm trying to get the courage to actually comment places now.
also that horse's mane... i wish my hair looked half as nice!
Yup, sexy horse for sure. Crazy gorgeous and wild looking. I'd not have put the descriptive 'sexy' on this guy but seeing as that was the reference I'll go with it. What a beauty. I would name him "Black Beauty" (HA!). Completely glad to hear that your tests are showing desired results straight out of the gate. Let's keep this positive vibe going, I say aloud to the universe. The light of the sun is life-giving. Sunlight is essential to get photosynthesis happening...to make green things green...to help the trees grow...to give us oxygen. There's scientific fact which I do not know, that speaks of energy, of vibration and measurement of such. Atoms moving and all that. We live in an ocean of motion and we are all made of stardust and so sun kinda goes along with that in my mind. Get things out of plastic and into glass, for sure. Plastic enhances the potential for cancers of all sorts. Okay jumping off my soap box. Glad happy joyous to hear your news M. I received my earrings from your etsy shop. They make my heart sing. Oh and I keep meaning to ask you if you know about the metal called niobium. It comes in different colours and I purchase earring hooks in black and brown and switch any earrings immediately onto my niobium ones 'cuz they are the ONLY metal that does not make my ears itch, swell, etc. It is said that niobium as an anti-allergenic rates better that silver and even gold. Go figure. All I know is that they work and they are already oxed visually so go with grungy boho styles. Okay, hugs, N, x P.S. I'm at my daughter's on her laptop and she's signed in to Google and I can't figure out how to sign her out and me in, and I'm 'fairyyellowbug' and you will recognize me. Ta!
I've been trying to write a comment for 10 minutes then deleting it because it sounds trite. So trying to say, no cancer GOOD, waiting BAD, all the feelings UNDERSTANDABLE.
PS: The last comment I left meant to do a bead tute in the Devices style. I'd buy it!
PPS: I heard that you should apply the herbs directly to your boobs, in the sun, with a few magnets stuffed up your nose while standing in a large glass punch bowl. At least, that's what I do and the neighbors seem to enjoy it :)
PPPS: Have you heard the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast? It can get really dark but is also hilarious at times. Other peoples' brains are fascinating and it gives me a break from thinking about my own stuff. Also, the host has a running joke about his dog's butthole-- you know what, just listen, I wouldn't want to ruin it for you.
I think it is good to share the stories of one's truth. Having just completed a year of cancer treatment I completely understand what you felt about the possibility of having cancer. It is a surreal experience at the very least. Everyone said I handled it with grace, I'm not so sure I did, but we all face our own realties the only way we know how. I think being creative and focusing on something outside of yourself is very healing (as is humor and not taking yourself so seriously), it got me through the most stressful year of my life. I always love your work and am happy to see you creating such magic. Thank you for sharing,I wish you continued good health!
Aloha
I totally "get" your desire to know why you feel so shitty, even if it IS something horrible like cancer. We all like to have our suspicions confirmed, and people (myself included) who have daily fatigue and other mysterious symptoms often suspect the worst. Get a diagnosis like cancer and you're like "I KNEW it! I TOLD you something terrible was wrong with me!"
It took me years to believe that most of my problems are caused by mental illness. It took me YEARS to come to terms with the fact that there are just as many PHYSICAL symptoms as there are mental. I have bipolar disorder, and right NOW my meds are working well. Who knows how long that will last, but it is always the physical symptoms that lead me to realize that my mental state has deteriorated again. It has been very helpful to me to come to that realization. Fatigue is always the first to come. I start feeling sleepy during the day and I know that I need to see my psych and tweak my meds.
As always, your work is stunning. I'm glad that you've got a creative outlet, it really helps. Hope you have a fantastic day or, if that is overly ambitious, I hope that it is at least not shitty ;)
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