Tumblr finds

I tried following this image on a thousand flowerettes in the sky, which I look to obsessively for mind-candy.  I don't understand a thing about tumblr.  I discovered it through wurzeltod.

Anywhoo, that picture led me here.
 Looking around there led me to this image:

which lives here.  
Now, granted, the image is kind of fugly, but it represents so well what would happen behind my eyelids and in my brain-space back when I used to take LSD in college.  Back when I felt it led me to many revelations, and might eventually clarify the universe and my place in it for me.
The trippiness kinda stayed with me from then on.
Didn't help at all in making me a functional human being.
That goes for college as well.

Now, when my Effexor wears off, that (gestures toward goat thing) starts happening again.

But with more bad.
Yes, I'm medicated. (Sorry to offend delicate constitutions out there.)
Couldn't make a single thing without it.
Never used to do/make anything because just existing was so overwhelming to the senses and to my brain.  Everything was difficult and exhausting.

 I thank god for the miracle(s) of modern medicine.
My salvation.
Though, it doesn't demand worship or acts of blind faith.  It doesn't go against logic or suggest I move to an ashram in a far-off land...
  Ah, medication.

Without it I would rather not be alive.  Very much so.
Although saying that upsets a lot of people.  People who have no imagination and have never been in pain.  And like to talk about ridiculous things like whether suicide is a cowardly act.  I'd like to put those people out of my misery, is what I'd like.

My point... of this post... goat-dude... good depiction...  or something...


Jo Archer said...

Mmm.. your trips were a lot better than mine!

I'm sorry you suffer with depression; my brother Andy committed suicide 19 years ago. (my blog post "Remembering Arch" is for him.) I hate it when people describe it as "cowardly" or "brave"; it's neither, just incredibly tragic that someone felt that was the only option left.

Keep taking those meds. My little part of blogland is much more interesting for you being in it!

And thanks for finding "a thousand flowerettes in the sky". Fabulous stuff.

fanciful devices said...

Why, thank you for your sweet and kind words. And for visiting w/me so often.
Sometimes, I feel that for some, some who are in just that much pain, it IS their only option. Well, not only, but you know, a not-totally-unreasonable one. For them. At the time. Of course one always thinks of the pain of those left behind, but just maybe the suicided weighed that against their years of despair and torment and seen the scale balance in the favor of quitting.
Obviously I have no idea about your particular case. My sympathies, of course. I'll shut up now.

fanciful devices said...

Oh, and my trips may have been intense... since I would take tons of the stuff at a time, but...
Imagine looking into the eye of god. Into the whole of the Universe. It's horrifying.

Julie Wong Sontag said...

I have been in that dark, lifeless (unmedicated) place too. I feel thankful every morning when I take those 4 little pills that keep me sane. I like that you can talk about it. It can be kind of an isolating experience - mainly because people who haven't been there just don't understand - and knowing that other creative people have struggled legitimizes the experience somehow.